A Wrecking Ball to the Stomach

We took my dad back to the hospital Sunday evening because he was still unable to eat more than a few bites a day and we were also worried that he had developed another urinary tract infection. They admitted him and the next day we requested that he be given a feeding tube (inserted directly into his stomach, not through the mouth) hoping that would give him the nutrients he needed to build his strength back up. We were so hopeful, even researching cancer care facilities in Tennessee that he could be transferred to so they could work with him on nutrition and physical therapy. 

Then Tuesday came. Tuesday, what an awful day. I will now forever hate Tuesdays. They took my dad for a CT scan and later the doctor came in with the news that would completely turn our world upside down. The scan revealed that the cancer that was previously just in his bones has spread to both of his lungs and is very aggressive. There is nothing they can do except chemo, which my dad adamantly does not want. They have estimated that he has two weeks to live. I don't know how I'm even writing this right now, except that I have to. Writing is therapy for me and I have so many thoughts and emotions that I have to get out or I'll burst... or punch someone in the face. 

My daddy. My funny, strong, protective, loving daddy, barring some miracle, will never step foot back in his house again, will never sit in his recliner again and watch Wheel of Fortune (calling out "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" as the answer to everything because he thinks that's hilarious), will not see his first grandchild turn one year old. He will never do another Ricky Ricardo impression or tag along with us on errands just to be able to spend time with us. The last picture I took of him when we were home three months ago will be the last picture I have of him. Wilder will not know his granddaddy, although I'll be damned if he doesn't know what a great man he was. It just doesn't seem real. This cannot be happening. How can I go the rest of my life without hearing him say, "What's my Baby Wilder doing?" or "Drive carefully" or "Did you know your daddy loves you very much?"?

I've spent more time crying the last few days than not crying, it feels like. Sometimes I'll forget what is going on for a couple of seconds and then it comes back to me like a wrecking ball to the stomach. Just when I think I can't possibly have any more tears left in me I remember something we did together or one of his funny sayings and I just lose it. 

Tuesday I was in shock. Yesterday I was defeated and exhausted. Today I'm just mad. I'm mad that my daddy is only 60 years old and we should have 20 more years with him but we won't. I'm mad that none of his grandchildren will ever know him. I'm mad that he's lying in a hospital bed suffering while there are so many worse people in the world who should die long before he does. I'm mad at this helpless feeling. I'm mad thinking of all the things he's going to miss out on when he's gone and all the time I missed out on spending with him since we moved to California. And I'm furious because I feel like his doctors failed him by letting him go 8 months on that experimental medicine before checking to make sure it was working. He deserves better than this. He deserves to go out like the hero that he is. 

But there are things I'm thankful for and I'm trying to keep reminding myself of those things rather than dwelling on all the ugly bits of this situation. I'm thankful for the amazingly loving dad he's been to me for 28 years. I'm thankful that he was able to know my son and love him so much. I'm thankful that now, no matter where we live, he will be able to look down and see our lives and watch his grandchildren grow instead of just reading about it all on a blog. I'm thankful that we have a little bit of time to prepare for what's to come and the chance to say goodbye to him, instead of losing him in an instant the way so many loved ones are lost each day. I'm thankful that, even though he's not able to talk much, I've been able to spend some time alone with him over the last few days -- thanking him for being such a great father, reminiscing about stuff we've done together, apologizing for being such a turd when I was a teenager (to which he labored to reply, "Emmy, no you weren't; you're wonderful."), and to tell him about our plans for the future. I'm thankful that I came to Tennessee a week early and was able to spend that extra time with him while he was still at home. I'm thankful for Wilder -- he's the one bright spot in this for all of us right now. I'm also thankful for all of the people who have already shared stories about my dad with me, who have remembered us in prayer, and who have offered to help in any way they can. In times like these, it means so much to know that so many people are there to support us. 

The next few weeks are going to be the worst, hardest time of our lives. I don't know what our world is going to look like without him in it and it's just not fair that we even have to think about that but I do know that we are going to survive somehow. He's spent his life making sure we are strong people and we aren't going to let him down. We are all determined to honor him with our lives and make sure everyone we meet can see what an amazing person he was through us. Friends, please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers -- praying specifically for peace and freedom from pain for my dad and strength and comfort for the rest of us. 

Life of Wilder: Week Forty-Two

I love my little cheeseball :)

I just looked at those numbers above his head and are there really just 10 weeks until my tiny, newborn, infant son is one year old?? Excuse me while I go sob for a minute...

We had to get my tiny, newborn, infant son big boy a new big boy carseat this week. Our old one only went up to 22 pounds and when I bought it as a naive first time pregnant lady I thought it would surely last us until his first birthday. Go ahead and laugh. I obviously didn't anticipate having such a little chunkster good eater ;) So over the last couple of weeks, I read a lot of reviews and did a lot of research and, although the Britax brand got a lot of thumbs up, many people also complained about how huge they are and on our student budget I just couldn't stand to spend that much right now anyway. So we went with the Graco My Ride, which also got a lot of good reviews, didn't break the bank, and has cupholders. When you first think about it, cupholders may not seem like a big deal but think a little more, fellow mommies, and tell me you don't come up with at least three benefits to having cupholders on a carseat. Imagine the possibilities, people! So handy! Also, I love the look of the Graco and Wilder seems to be quite comfy in it so I'm pleased with my decision so far.

The only thing better than a new carseat...

is the box it came in, of course! :)

Mostly this week has been spent preparing for our trip to Tennessee, but we did go on a family outing to the dog park...

 How cute is Wilder's Padres hat? :)

We also went on a wagon ride...

And tried on our new blue jeans...

And packed...

And got some good rest before our long trip to TN...

I was soooo nervous all week about this trip. I had been planning on flying with Paul to help me wrangle our crazy, busy 9 1/2 month old but then decided at the last minute to come early to help with my dad. Cue panic attack. All the worst case scenarios ran through my mind constantly for days leading up to the trip. I knew it would be worth it to spend the extra time with my parents though so I just decided I had to suck it up and do it, no matter how many fellow travelers got off our plane wanting to murder me afterwards. 

We always fly Southwest and love it, except for the fact that it only flies into Nashville (which is two hours from Jackson) and not Memphis (which is one hour from Jackson). So after a long day of flying we then have to drive two hours home once we land in Tennessee, not to mention whoever picks us up has to drive four hours total to do so. For this trip we decided to try American Airlines since they conveniently fly into Memphis. That was about the only convenient thing about it though. I won't go into all the inconveniences but let's just say I think we'll be sticking with Southwest from now on. 

Our flight took off right when Wilder should have been going down for his second nap so he was pretty restless right at first. We were also crammed between the window and a rather large woman next to us so the claustrophobia didn't do much for my determination to not panic. Thankfully though I was prepared -- I had brought an entire bag of toys and had downloaded some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes to my phone in case of emergency so I was able to entertain/distract him until he fell asleep about 45 minutes into the flight. He slept the whole rest of the way to Dallas so that gave me a nice break. 

Then the best thing ever... our second flight wasn't full so we had a whole row to ourselves! Are you kidding me? We both thought we had hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, I have now seen the light and we may have to buy Wilder his own seat from now on. It was awesome to have all that space and to not have to contain him in my lap whilst trying to keep him from climbing over the back of the seat, pulling/poking at the person next to us, or kicking the seat in front of us. Wilder loved it too and had a blast exploring every inch of that corner of the airplane.

Then came my favorite part of any trip to Tennessee. After a long day of traveling, seeing this made it all worthwhile...

We've spent the last couple of days just being with family and playing around my parents' house. The last time we were here Wilder wasn't crawling yet so now he's loving having a whole new house to explore with his newfound skill. My grandmother brought over a basket of old toys for him to play with and he's been having the best time with those. I wish they still made toys like that.

I also dug out Paul's old mini organ that we were storing here and let him bang on it yesterday morning until I just couldn't stand it anymore. It's slightly waaaay more annoying than the mini piano he played with a couple of weeks ago at his friend's house because the notes will play for as long as you hold down the keys. So instead of a nice little "bing, bing, bong" it's more like "whhaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww." It didn't seem to bother him but I kept having to pull his hands off the keys and finally had to just put it away. It was fun while it lasted but it was too early in the morning for all that :)

Today he swung on the front porch with Grana, something they love doing together, while waiting for Uncle William to get into town...

Then my brother got here. Wilder loves his Uncle William and it's so special for me to see them together...

As far as new developments go, Wilder has started doing this little shrug/hand raise thing when he's looking for something or seeing something new and curious. It is so freaking cute!

He's also started pushing up on all fours a lot more and if I back away from him slowly he'll crawl towards me on his knees for four or five steps. Still if he wants to get somewhere fast, the army crawl is his preferred method of transportation but practice makes perfect and I think he's really close to crawling the traditional way. That would be a relief because most of his shirts these days have permanently dirty bellies.

He's also starting to figure out the sippy cup. It's so funny because I've noticed before with other things that he'll always end up figuring out what he's trying to do but he usually goes about it in a different way than what I would have expected or than what I've seen other babies do. The sippy cup is no different. He can hold it and put his mouth in the right spot but he couldn't get the tipping-it-up part down, so he just decided to lay back with it and it works just as well, haha...

Well, I guess that's all for this week. We're so happy to be in Tennessee for a couple of weeks and get to spend time with our families. I'm hoping that our presence will brighten my dad's spirits too. Paul gets here on Tuesday and we can't wait to see our "Dada"! Hope you all have a fantastic weekend. Aren't all you Tennessee folks loving this Fall-like weather? I know I am! I miss Fall in California!

My Daddy

My dad is sick. I guess I haven't been talking about it because I didn't want it to be real but it is real and I can't avoid talking about it anymore. For about 10 years he has had thyroid cancer resulting in tumors on different bones. They have always been able to surgically remove the tumors or radiate them to shrink them and they have never affected his quality of life, except for some pain more recently. Thyroid cancer is not very common and so there aren't very many treatment options. Surgery is invasive and major and radiation has long-term side effects so this past winter, when his doctor offered him an experimental treatment that came in pill form and offered a chance at preventing new tumors from forming, he decided to try it. 

It was basically chemo in a pill, and like regular chemo, it ravaged his body. His appetite disappeared and he began to experience random bone pains unlike anything before -- both of these side effects prevented him from being able to really do any kind of physical activity so he lost a lot of muscle and weight over the 6 months he was on the medicine. That medicine was awful and we kept begging him to get off of it -- we were afraid it would kill him before the cancer did -- but he wanted to stick it out until last month when they were going to run tests to see if it had been effective. 

He was still up and walking around, though painfully, as of three weeks ago but then they ran the tests and found two new tumors -- one on his arm and one on his hip. I think the disappointment at this discovery plus 6 months of basically malnutrition plus diabetes that had been undetected until recently plus a urinary tract infection all formed a kind of perfect storm that left him bedridden. Last week he was admitted to the hospital to build up his strength before a scheduled surgery to put a rod in his arm to stabilize it (since the tumor was compromising the bone). 

Paul, Wilder, and I were supposed to come for a visit next week but after my dad went downhill I just couldn't stand being so far away and changed my flight to come a week early. He had the surgery last Thursday, came home on Sunday, started radiation treatments to his arm and hip on Monday, and Wilder and I flew in on Wednesday. I was so glad to get here and feel like I could be useful because I know my mom is exhausted but it's so hard to see him so weak and in so much pain. The good news is that the tumors can be shrunken with radiation and they've always stayed in his bones, instead of spreading to vital organs, so they aren't life threatening as of now. However, he is still unable to eat more than a few bites a day, still can't even sit up on his own, is still in a lot of intense pain, and is super groggy/confused from being on so much pain medication. 

I hate being across the country but it's difficult and frustrating being here too. I just want him to get back to his old self again. Readers, please keep my family in your prayers. Please pray for my dad's appetite and strength to return and his pain to subside as he continues the radiation next week. Please pray for endurance and patience for my mom as she takes care of him every day. Please pray for peace for me when I have to leave them to go back to San Diego. 

The Power of Prayer (and Blogging)

I love the world of blogging. I especially love other moms' blogs (if you couldn't tell from my Favorite Blogs list to the right there) because they give me inspiration, encouragement, comic relief, and an assurance that I'm not alone when I sometimes can't wait for Wilder's bedtime. 

One of my favorite blogs is that of my real life friend, Tiffany. She is the mother of an outgoing, mischievous, precocious 19-month-old daughter, Rory, and a precious, happy, smiley 2-month-old daughter, Ryder. Tiffany's account of her family's daily life never fails to make me laugh and smile. I've told her this before, but she seriously has the happiest, smiley-est kids I've ever seen! 

My reason for introducing you to Tiffany and her family is because they need your prayers this week. Their sweet baby, Ryder, was born with some heart defects and is undergoing open heart surgery on Thursday to repair them. Please join me in praying for strength for Ryder and peace for her parents during this stressful time. 

For more information and updates on Ryder visit The Harris Life. Tiffany also has created a prayer map to keep track of all the people around the world who are praying for her sweet daughter. You can read more about the map by clicking here or add your location to it by clicking here.

Prayer is a powerful force and I love being able to use the power of blogging to increase the prayers going up for this family. Hang in there, Harrises! 

And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, 

and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 

Luke 11:9

Life of Wilder: Week Forty-One

I just want to point out what I was

saying last week about his tongue

flipping over when he smiles really

big. How cute is that? :)

Today was the first good day of an absolutely awful week. We're  a little totally spoiled here in San Diego. We pretty much live in a bubble of sunny 75 degree weather but this week felt like the apocalypse in our SoCal paradise. Monday and Tuesday it rained for the first time since Wilder was a month old. When you're not used to the rain, for me at least, it totally knocks you out when it does rain. It was all I could do to get out of bed. So that sucked. Then Tuesday afternoon the rain gave way to mid-summer Mississippi-like weather  -- aka humid and 97 degrees. So that was even more debilitating; I could barely think straight. Luckily the humidity subsided by Wednesday but the awful heat stuck around until today. It wouldn't have been so bad except that we don't have air conditioning. We do fortunately have a single window unit that we put in Wilder's room so he wouldn't burn up at night so during the day Wilder and I pretty much bunkered down in his room to play in front of the single stream of cool air. I would ask Paul what he wanted for dinner each night and he would just say "Ice." It really was too hot to even eat -- sooo miserable! I tried to swing Wilder to cool him off but it obviously wasn't helping much... :(

Then yesterday happened. Wilder and I had gone to the Y to meet up with a friend and her son to swim and try to cool off. I was in the bathroom starting to change Wilder into his swim suit when suddenly it went pitch black. I knew the light in the bathroom was motion activated so I started jumping up and down and waving my arms trying to get it to come back on. When it wouldn't I took Wilder back out into the lobby where the lights were also out and people were starting to gather. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what was going on, we heard someone say that the electricity had gone out all over the city. That was my cue -- I knew that people would be going crazy trying to get home so we quickly promised a raincheck to our friends and started heading home. 

All the traffic lights in the city were out so I avoided them as much as possible and jumped on the freeway, which was just starting to back up with people crazy with heat and worry. No one knew what was going on and thoughts of 9/11 were going through everyone's minds. I could only find one working radio station and they were saying that the power in all of San Diego county was out. My phone wouldn't work and I couldn't call Paul so I just rushed home as quickly as I could, which took twice as long as it usually does. I was glad to finally get home, just so we could all be together in case something bad was happening, but it was totally sweltering in our house since now we had not even our one AC unit and no fans working. 

Before the power went out Paul was just about to leave to go meet up with one of his school friends who also lives in North Park to watch the football games at a local bar. Since no one's phones worked and they couldn't get in touch with each other, the friend just decided to walk over to our house to commiserate on the situation. Albert to the rescue! He was hot and he could see how miserable we were so he suggested we go over to his apartment to swim in his pool and keep cool. Everyone else in his apartment complex obviously had the same idea too so it ended up being a little bit of a party around the pool that afternoon. With nothing else to do and no technology to distract us, strangers came together to talk, swim, and just hang out. 

When it came time for Wilder to go to bed, we invited Albert back to our house to grill the chicken that was thawing in our freezer for dinner. Wilder always sleeps with his sound machine on and I was so worried that he wouldn't be able to go to bed without it but he went straight to sleep! I guess the pool thankfully wore him out. While I got Wilder ready for bed, Paul and Albert seasoned the chicken and cut up some bell peppers and zucchini, then we headed out to the patio to sit in the dark and throw them on the grill. But oops, of all nights to run out of propane, we did. I'm so lucky to have a resourceful husband though. He bought some wood from our neighbors, started a fire in the chiminea, stuck the grate from the grill on top, and grilled our dinner over the open flame. We sat outside in the quiet darkness for hours, eating, laughing, and wondering when the power was going to come back on. Finally at around 10:30, just as Albert was about to go home, we heard a whooping from our neighbors and we looked around to find that, after 7 hours, the lights were coming back on! It was a relief, but it was also kind of nice to take a break from the regular every day to just sit around and enjoy each other's company. Like a snow day from school, it was kind of a blackout day from life. 

The week wasn't all bad, just the weather. I always have fun with my sweet boys no matter what.

We entertained ourselves during

 the rainy Monday morning in 

bed with some Kleenex...

He didn't realize it was on his head

for the longest time and we were

totally cracking up...

Until he did realize it...

And then the joke was on us when he

proceeded to eat it...

We clapped for the rain...

And watched the rain...

And watched Avatar...

We bugged Posey...

Tried to get Rider's attention...

Hid in a box...

And couldn't decide which book to read...

Tuesday afternoon we were invited over to Rachel and Lexi's house for a play/swim date. Wilder loved Lexi's big pool of course. 

She wasn't totally feeling the pool that day though and kept getting out and running around the yard. He was very interested in everything she was doing. (Please look at him holding onto the fat roll on his knee... That boy's chubby legs are ridiculous!)

Wilder had a great time banging away on 

Lexi's baby piano. Isn't he a cute

 little Beethoven? :)

Wednesday afternoon we braved the heat and met up with Rachel and Lexi again at the Old Trolley Barn Park just up the street. It's at the top of a canyon so there was a nice breeze blowing and it was pretty shady so thankfully it wasn't too hot. Wilder and Lexi got in with a gang of three- and four-year-olds and had a big time getting tickled and played with. Wilder even ventured a few steps on all fours trying to show off for them. 

The big kids wore these babies out! Look at

those serious faces, haha :)

So, Wilder looooves throwing things. One of his favorite things to do during playtime is for us to sit on the floor of his room while I hand him things and he throws them over and over. This morning he switched it up a little though. Everything I handed him, he threw behind him until the play area looked like this... He is so silly :)

Even though the weather has been crappy and I'm pretty sure he's still teething, Wilder has been in a much better mood this week, thank goodness. It's so nice to have a happy baby and I can't get enough of making him laugh...

Oh, and I finally got a video of Wilder high-fiving...

Today was a good day -- the weather finally went back to normal and I finally went and got my massage that Paul and Wilder gave me for Mother's Day. SD folks, Chiropractique is amazing! Best massage I've ever had, and I've had quite a few. 

Alright y'all, that's it. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!