It's been a week since we found out about my dad's prognosis. Every day since has pretty much looked the same -- playing at home with Wilder in the mornings, visits to the hospital in the afternoons, with a few half-hearted errands/dinners out/visits with family thrown in there out of necessity. These are the worst days of my life and it would be so easy to let go and fall into a canyon of despair except that I can't because of these two people...
I need to stay positive for Wilder. He deserves for me to be the best mother I can be, even when conditions aren't favorable for that outcome. I can't give in to the black hole of depression that I feel threatening to pull me in with every thought of losing my dad. Sadness is a part of life, of course, and I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't sad, even devastated, about such a huge loss but at times I feel like I'm walking the line between just crying myself to sleep at night and not being able to get out of bed at all. I can't let that happen. I have to continue to function and function well for Wilder's sake.
I also refuse to give myself over to a crushing depression because every visit to my dad reminds me to focus on the positive. Not only is he still here, which is a big positive, but even in his weakened, foggy state he is still joking with the nurses, teasing his brothers, and making faces at Wilder. His attitude is inspiring. These are the worst days of his life too and he isn't lying there moaning and complaining-- he's trying to lighten things up and enjoy being around his family. Nothing makes him happier than to make people laugh and I feel like I would be dishonoring him if I moped around, hating the world, on his behalf.
I'm trying my best to stay positive so here are a few things that are making me happy in spite of it all this week:
1) Getting to spend a lot of time with Paul on his break from school. His final year of Architecture school is about to start up next week and I'm trying to savor every moment with him before he dives headfirst into his thesis.
2) Seeing family love on Wilder. It does my heart good to see them being able to hug, kiss, and cuddle him instead of just looking at pictures of him and to see the joy he brings to all of them.
3) Getting my own domain name for my blog (which, by the way, you need to make note of or bookmark if you access the blog directly instead of through Facebook/Twitter/etc.). The new URL is www.southernersinsocal.com. Neato, huh? So official looking :)
4) Getting some great, professional, FREE photos of Wilder unexpectedly. There was a photographer documenting his little friend's birthday party that we went to back in August and my friend (his little friend's mom) got a CD with the rights to all the photos and shared the ones of Wilder with me. They are beyond cute and totally made my day today.
I'm determined to continue looking for little happies each day even as they get harder and harder to see beyond the sadness. Thank you for your continued prayers for my family, friends. They are truly being felt.