December 17, 2011

Goodbye BF'ing

Warning: If you are a man reading this, you're probably going to want to stop here. If you are future Wilder who is now in his teens, you should definitely stop here. If you choose to continue reading and get weirded out? Well, don't say I didn't warn you. 

Y'all, we are officially done with breastfeeding. As of yesterday, one of the things I've put the most time and effort into for the last year and one of the things I've been most fulfilled and rewarded by is over. At the risk of sounding strange, I'm terribly sad to know that I will never again have that connection with Wilder. And at the risk of sounding cliche, it's just another sign that he's growing up so fast

I feel weird that I feel sad about it but I've read that's normal. Some won't understand it but, to me, it's a big loss. And I knew it would be so, and this is really going to sound weird but, I was trying to wait to wean him until after the first of the year. It's already going to be a not-so-merry holiday with my dad gone and I didn't want to be dealing with the emotions of this loss too. 

That's what I feel like the theme of the last three months of my life has been: loss. First and foremost, my dad. Then, and this doesn't compare in any way to losing my dad but it was still a pretty big blow, the loss of my laptop and all its stored pictures and information. And now the loss of this important way of bonding with my son. Can I just go into hibernation until January 1st? 

But, if there was a secondary theme to the last quarter of the year, it would have to be focusing on the positive. So here goes. I'm thankful that the weaning was able to happen naturally and didn't have to end abruptly for some reason. I'm also thankful that I was able to do it for 12 1/2 months. It's one of the best things I've ever done and I'm very proud of it. And, even though I'm sad it's over, I also felt like it was time. And now I can have a margarita at lunch if I want to!

So there are a few good things about the end of breastfeeding and thinking about them does make me feel a little better. If I can just keep this positive attitude through the next two weeks. Luckily, I have a funny, chubby reminder walking circles around me at all times. It's a little harder to be down when you're watching your first child learn to walk and get better at it every day. It's funny how such joy and such sadness can coexist in each day. That's life though, right? 

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